i keep forgetting i’m pregnant. it is a really weird feeling to be moving along as normal and then all of a sudden a belly carrying a baby the size of a mango gets in your way. with ramona, i don’t think a second went by that i wasn’t aware there was a belly and a baby in that belly. but for some reason, this time around, i seem to think i can continue doing all the stuff i usually do when not  carrying a child: advanced yoga, shaving my legs, trimming my toes, laying on my stomach comfortably, fitting into my favorite pair of jeans, carrying a heavy load. i go to do these things and almost every single time i find myself saying to myself, “oh yeah. that’s right. there’s a belly with a baby in it that’s in the way. better adjust your plan of action.” which is ridiculous bc i’ve undeniably got a pregnant belly.

i’m not small. i’m not huge yet but i’m certainly PREGNANT. definitely much bigger than these photos of me 18 weeks pregnant with ramona where i’m just exclaiming that, gee i think i popped. oh boy, i popped a long time ago with this little bugger. part of it is that i had a handful of extra pounds on me to begin with this time around. part of it is that my body just has decided to go straight to where it needs to go. “oh. i remember this. i’m going to need to make room for a little human. better get there now before it stretches me there.” thanks, body. i’m glad you’re efficient at what you need to do but i do wish i could remember that you’re doing it.

i’m not concerned about weight gain. i’ve never been one to shudder at the number on the scale. certainly not when i’m with child. i am concerned that it, this belly, keeps catching me off guard — it’s getting in the way too soon this time around! pregnancy was quite enjoyable for me for most of the time i was pregnant with ramona. this time? not as much. it’s just a little more, well, difficult than i remember it being. (little bug: when you read this when you’re older please be assured that this in no way takes away my love of you. babies of the family –of which i am one and you will be– are inherently a little more of a handful and i wouldn’t have it any other way). 21 more weeks of belly-ness. i can do it. i can do it!

women who had more than two, just how did you manage that craziness done to your body?! i know it can be done but it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it.

thrifted cardigan || thrifted allen allen maxi dress || thrifted moccasins (not pictured but i’m on a roll with thrifted amazingness so i wanted to keep going) || scarf from denver boutique inspyre || urban outfitters belt || [i have been living in this outfit. it’s so perfect for a bump in fall]

dear bug,

i am 17 weeks. we heard your heartbeat again this week at maren’s office. it thrills me every time. i can feel you moving — though distinguishing between gas bubbles and little baby kicks is still something of a challenge. i know, soon enough, your movements will be undeniable.

all of this is a relief to me since, at 5.5 weeks, i experienced a lot of bleeding. sitting at the dining room table on july 17 i felt something odd. in the bathroom i discovered my worst fear: there was bright red blood when i wiped. there was so much i didn’t think anything else besides that i was miscarrying. i called papa and nona. papa came home right away and nona just sat with me on the phone being a listening ear to my wails. resigning ourselves to this loss, your papa and i went out with a bang the next evening to celebrate our five year anniversary: an intense reflexology foot massage, martinis, wine, yummy italian food.

the next morning, commenting to someone (who has experienced far more losses of life in the womb than is right for anyone) that my bleeding had stopped and it was so weird how uneventful a miscarriage was, i was asked if i thought that maybe i didn’t miscarry. the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. so after confirmation from my midwife that intense bleeding can happen and the pregnancy can still be viable, i went to urgent care for an ultrasound. there you were, miracle baby, thrill-giver. all gestational and yolk sac. full of promise of life. but no guarantees.

another ultrasound two weeks later allowed us to breathe out, finally, a sigh of relief: a heartbeat. it was safe to be cautiously optimistic. and we’ve only grown more so with every check-up and strong heartbeat and flutters in mama’s belly. nothing is guaranteed. nothing is certain. our breath will be always a little withheld until the day you arrive. and even then, we will continue to worry and to fret and to hope big hopes for you and your life and your development.

little bug, we love you. every single little itty bitty part of you that is growing strong and big as can be in my tummy until the day you arrive.

love, mama.

what mama wore: vince shirt || mossimo tank from target (i own a bajillion of these) || gap maternity jeans || frye carson flats (the best damn black flats i ever did own)

here is me at 17 weeks pregnant with little bean.

dear little bug,

it’s been 16 weeks since you’ve been brewing! this pregnancy, little one, is in some ways so different than what i experienced with your big sister but also so so similar. you both knocked me on my butt for a solid eight weeks during the first trimester. you made me tired and exhausted and unable to eat my usual foods or go a day without dry heaving — a symptom of pregnancy that is your papa’s least favorite thing to deal with.

but miss ramona, your big sister, she keeps me busy. and does her darndest, consciously or otherwise, to keep me distracted from you. sometimes i forget i am pregnant, little bug. each day is go, go, go with ramona (you’ll soon discover). and so i must remember to take moments on the couch when i’m reading with miss mo, or during nap time, or lying still before bedtime, to spend some time with you, to feel you wiggle and flip inside me, to send good vibes your way with a gentle hand on my belly, and deliver fresh air to you via deep, meaningful breaths. you are a great excuse to seek mindfulness in the everyday.

it’s how it is: the second child not necessarily getting the documentation which could be afforded with the first one. but, sweet child, i was also the baby of the family, and so i intend to remember these moments with you in my belly, and then with you as a newborn, as vividly as i can. i want to be able to pass on sweet sweet memories to you.

16 weeks? we’re not even halfway there yet. but we’ve heard your heartbeat and i’ve felt you move. and my tummy is slowly but surely moving into the baby bump stage. right now, it’s debatable what’s baby and what’s just some extra padding i procured in between being pregnant with your sister and you. no matter. i’ll embrace it. i’m growing with you!

i love you, little bug. love, mama

|| wool cardigan: j.crew || maternity/nursing top: RoundBellies (thanks, mama!) ||  jeans: gap || shoes: frye ||

here is me at 16 weeks pregnant with miss ramona bean.

readers, what are your favorite pair of maternity jeans? here i’m wearing gap, but i bought them in a smaller size than i’m used to so they wouldn’t fall off my ass, but now i’m afraid it’s going to make my midsection suffer later. also, i bought a camera remote. here are some outtakes.