i am 17 weeks. we heard your heartbeat again this week at maren’s office. it thrills me every time. i can feel you moving — though distinguishing between gas bubbles and little baby kicks is still something of a challenge. i know, soon enough, your movements will be undeniable.
all of this is a relief to me since, at 5.5 weeks, i experienced a lot of bleeding. sitting at the dining room table on july 17 i felt something odd. in the bathroom i discovered my worst fear: there was bright red blood when i wiped. there was so much i didn’t think anything else besides that i was miscarrying. i called papa and nona. papa came home right away and nona just sat with me on the phone being a listening ear to my wails. resigning ourselves to this loss, your papa and i went out with a bang the next evening to celebrate our five year anniversary: an intense reflexology foot massage, martinis, wine, yummy italian food.
the next morning, commenting to someone (who has experienced far more losses of life in the womb than is right for anyone) that my bleeding had stopped and it was so weird how uneventful a miscarriage was, i was asked if i thought that maybe i didn’t miscarry. the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. so after confirmation from my midwife that intense bleeding can happen and the pregnancy can still be viable, i went to urgent care for an ultrasound. there you were, miracle baby, thrill-giver. all gestational and yolk sac. full of promise of life. but no guarantees.
another ultrasound two weeks later allowed us to breathe out, finally, a sigh of relief: a heartbeat. it was safe to be cautiously optimistic. and we’ve only grown more so with every check-up and strong heartbeat and flutters in mama’s belly. nothing is guaranteed. nothing is certain. our breath will be always a little withheld until the day you arrive. and even then, we will continue to worry and to fret and to hope big hopes for you and your life and your development.
little bug, we love you. every single little itty bitty part of you that is growing strong and big as can be in my tummy until the day you arrive.
what mama wore: vince shirt || mossimo tank from target (i own a bajillion of these) || gap maternity jeans || frye carson flats (the best damn black flats i ever did own)